A Splintered Hope
by Ellaaura
Summary: After Ahsoka Tano leaves the Jedi order she had to face the challenges of live on her own, but as war is brought directly to Coruscant, things get even more dangerous.


When her boot hit the bottom step of the stone stairs, the weight of the world was released from her shoulders. The setting sun was getting darker by the hour, soon the only light in the sky would be the haze of the city. She felt free, with nothing to worry about, no rules to follow, no regulations on how to act or what to say. Her waist felt lighter without her light sabers dragging her down. She stared down at the ground in front of her. Every step she took would lead her forward to a life of personal peace. She sighed. What was she going to do with herself?

Over her tranquility, the pain of betrayal still throbbed in her rib cage. She was, deep inside, confused. How could someone, who was her best friend, who she had survived several tough situations with; who she had saved from a life infected my parasitic organisms, just turn against her? She knew she was raised and taught to forgive those who could still live on, but if she ever saw Barriss again it would be too soon. She felt angered, or more like enraged.

She did not glance over her shoulder, and up the steps towards the life she had worked so hard to build. Instead, she stared on at the new life she had to start working on. If she was ever going to live to her full potential again, she would have to start now. Maybe her grown self was right, the grown self she had met in the cave on Mortis was right, maybe the Jedi order was meant for her. It took all of her energy to take another step. Her left foot hit the ground without a sound. She closed her eyes and took a breath.

Her legs continued the pattern and she trudged onward, into the crowded jet stream of people. The more steps she took the heavier her boots felt heavier, like something was weighing her down, begging her not to leave. She stopped, letting people walk around her. What was she doing? The temple was her life, it was the only thing she knew, she couldn't walk away now. She had worked so hard her whole life to become a Jedi Knight, and restore peace to the galaxy. It was her job, she couldn't quit ... could she?

Ahsoka held her breath, marching onward, she would have been kicked out of the Jedi order two days after her return for poor anger management, maybe even attempting to kill one of the Jedi in the high council. She felt unpredictable. Like she could do anything. Her face burned, her eyes felt sore and tired, her eyelids heavy. She fought back the tears she would have shed. She did not know where she was going, or what she was going to do. Already she hated life, without instructions, orders, or someone to tell her what to do.

She swallowed, ducking around a bend into a market square of small buildings, selling things like fresh produce from other planets, and clothing. She had all the credits she needed. Since she dropped out of the order as a minor, under the age of eighteen, the council had to provide her with credits, until she was their version of financially stable. She wouldn't be stable until she was off Coruscant, so until then she would not have to care about money.

She could not help to think about what Anakin had said to her. What did he mean that he knew what it felt like to want to walk away from everything? She had always seen him as a devoted Jedi. Ahsoka, stared down at her feet as she walked, she counted in her head, one count for every step she took, she could count up to the millions, she knew she wouldn't stop until she was physically unable to continue on. She would walk circles, around blocks, constantly on the move. Ahsoka was focused on the sound of her footsteps, going along to the beat of her heart.

If she could hear her own heart beat, it would be the only indication that she was alive. She felt dead. She had no momentum for life anymore, nothing to do, no aspiration to be someone anymore. She was mentally drained. The only thing she could think about was to keep walking. Get to one hundred, her mind droned on. Once she had met one hundred steps, it became get to two hundred, two hundred fifty, three hundred fifty, five hundred... She was getting tired, far from her home now, but she could not stop. She could not hear anyone else talking either, it was just the sound of the number, scrolling on and on to her quick pace.

Ahsoka looked up, she did not know where she was. She glanced over her shoulder, someone had made a remark, something along the lines of "Are you lost sugar?" Ahsoka scoffed, rolling her eyes. She quickly looked in front of her, colliding quickly into someone. That person did not fall to the ground, only Ahsoka did. When she fell to her bottom on the ground, she realized how tired her legs were, how her ankles throbbed yet she didn't mind the pain anymore.

"Would you look at that" A familiar voice sang out. Ahsoka stared at the knees of just the person she didn't expect to see. Ahsoka looked up, a little bit shocked. She stared at the thin white face of a familiar acquaintance. "Ventress?" Ahsoka asked in disbelief. Ahsoka made no move to get up.

"What are you doing out here?" Ventress asked. Ahsoka glanced up at her as Ventress extended her hand to help Ahsoka up. Ahsoka's bones chilled as she took Ventress's hand and pulled herself up. She opened her mouth today something, but she couldn't mutter her words. Ahsoka glanced away, she started to walk, counting her steps... s_ix hundred thirty four, thirty five,_ "I left the Jedi Order" Ahsoka spat. _Thirty seven, thirty eight._ "Now why did you do that?" Ventress asked quietly. "The order didn't trust me, so I left them. After what happened they would never look at me the same again, I would never be able to do anything by myself anymore, Barriss messed everything up, no one can fix it anymore" Ahsoka said, throwing her hands down to her sides. _Six hundred forty nine, six hundred fifty._ "So, what are you planning on doing now?" Ventress asked. Ahsoka shrugged. "It doesn't matter anymore. I don't care." Ventress looked down at her.

They didn't say anything for a while, they simply walked on, farther and farther away. The farther Ahsoka got from the temple, the more relaxed she felt. Ahsoka was still counting, but now it was not a conscious thing, she couldn't just stop, she could still count, even as she engaged conversation. "Where are you going to stay?" Ventress asked, Ventress sounded the slightest bit concerned, but Ahsoka knew if she reacted to the emotion, Ventress would instantly deny it. Ahsoka glanced back at her. "No idea" Ahsoka said quietly, looking straight ahead at the crowds of passing people, every odd person glanced at them, with a look of disgust. Ahsoka simply stared back.

She felt so different all of a sudden, so angry at everyone. She felt invincible as well, like she could do anything and stand up for herself. The one thing she wouldn't miss about the Jedi order was being babied because she was a girl, and because she was younger than the rest of them. Now she can be grown up and be mature and do and face the things she wanted. She didn't have to ask permission anymore.

"It's dangerous to be out here alone, especially at night" Ventress pointed out. Ahsoka walked on, her arms crossed in front of her chest. She couldn't understand what Ventress was trying to get to. "I'm not going to ask you for help if that is what you are looking for" Ahsoka said coldly. Ventress didn't stop following her yet. Ahsoka was searching deep in her mind for something to think about. Ventress had helped her before, when she was on the run, and now that Ventress had been cleared of her war crime conviction, they were even. Still Ventress continued to follow her, nearly stepping on her heels. Ahsoka could tell Ventress was looking for something smart to add in return, but she said nothing.

Ahsoka's walking pace had increased, but still somehow she remembered the number of steps she had taken. She would figure something out, she was sure of it. She needed to find a job, but as she walked the streets, stores and places she would want to get a job, were putting out signs, telling civilian's they didn't hire people of the force. Ahsoka didn't think much about it, it couldn't have been a big deal, some people just want a life without **any** hints of the clone war.

Once she was sure she had walked far enough, she glanced behind her, going to say something to Ventress. As she turned around, she could see Ventress was not there anymore, not a single trace of her being there, and for some unknown reason, Ahsoka could not recall their conversation at all. Ahsoka blinked, turning back around. Midday was raising fast, she had a whole five more house until it made sense to sleep, until it made sense to leave the physical world for the mental one in her head.

When she inhaled, there was a pain in her ribs, which throbbed with every step she took. Ahsoka needed to settle down quickly, or she would lose her mind. Ahsoka felt like a leaf, which had fallen into a quickly moving river, and was being swept away to some unpredictable pond, somewhere off in the distance. A place no one cared about, and a place only the unwanted went. Ahsoka sighed heavily. She had disappeared to a street which was less crowded with people then usually. She stood in the middle of the road, staring down the street at the hotel, which sat on the pavement just yards away.

Ahsoka stared up at the tall building. It looked nice, probably expensive, but nice. Ahsoka swallowed and began walking again, she had lost count in her head now, thank the lord. Counting was starting to irritate her. Mathematics brought on another thought. She was sixteen, which meant legally her job was meant to be school. But Ahsoka had never gone to real school, she was taught how to read, write, about her government, math and science as a Jedi youngling, but that slowed down when she began going out into the field often. The government had many more criminals to worry about then a teenager who wasn't attending school. She was sure that she was the last person they had to worry about.

When Ahsoka had paid for her single bedroom hotel room, she finally felt independent. She didn't have to have the help of anyone around her anymore. She was still confused about where Ventress had gone off to. The cold tone of Ventress's voice still bounced around her head. Ahsoka felt as if everything she had worried about before had been washed away, and she didn't have to focus on anyone but herself anymore. Though she was raised not to be self-centered, Ahsoka couldn't, not think about herself on this one small occasion, she needed to do what was right for herself, not for others for once.


End file.
